Everyone at one point in their life, experiences trauma. There is no escaping trauma; sadly, it’s like a phase of life we all have to pass through. As humans living in a world where trauma is seen as some defect or something dark and ugly to be kept hidden, it’s best we build the proper individual awareness of this psychological wound and strive to ensure that we get control of it, so that it doesn’t eventually get the better of us.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), based on research carried out in 26 different countries, at least a third of more than the 125,000 people surveyed in those countries had at one point in their lives experienced trauma.

If WHO was to broaden their survey and consider other countries, I’m sure that they would discover an overwhelming number of individuals who have been traumatized.

Because of the stigma placed on psychological ailments such as depression and trauma, you tend to discover that most traumatized Individuals fail to open up to their ordeal for fear of being shamed. Social media is one of the prominent mediums used in carrying out this act.

Trauma can plunge its roots deep in various areas of our lives; be it our relationships, marital life, academics, career, you name it — trauma does not discriminate.

“Trauma manifests itself everywhere”, was a statement made by my long-time friend, Keith Fiveson, Founder of The Work Mindfulness Project who joined me on my Rant & Grow podcast which you’ll find at the end of this blog.

Looking at that short quote in a scrutinizing way, you’ll have a very difficult time disputing that statement; it’s a known fact!

To be more specific, let’s take a look at various ways in which trauma impacts our lives, specifically our relationships and careers.

When a traumatic incident occurs, the outcome can lead to the development of several symptoms that weakens a person’s ability to function. These obnoxious symptoms go beyond the traumatized individual. They can easily affect relationships, intimate or otherwise.

Trauma can affect close relationships in several ways, and this could start from just one experience. For instance, visualize the scenario of a particular kid who was called up for an audition. Imagine how happy and energetic this kid would be getting on the podium. 

Now think of how disgruntled he/she feels when the front seat (where mom is supposed to be seated) is empty, and she can’t be found even after she promised to be in attendance. That very scene can kick start a traumatic cycle in the life of such a kid.

The manifestation of such trauma can eventually be based on finding it hard to trust people who claim to love you, which would affect relationships with friends, family, work peers, and love interests because an attachment was severed. The child may have created a belief in that moment that if mom could disappoint, then people who claim to love me will eventually hurt me too.

Presenting myself as an example, a traumatic moment of my life as a toddler impacted me as an adult. This traumatic experience affected my relationship with women. How did it happen? It happened when I was just two years old.

My mom and dad got into a quarrel which had nothing to do with me. While the dispute was on, my mom got angry and broke my favorite sippy cup. The incident was devastating to me and therefore I created this belief that people who love me will eventually harm me.

Especially when it came to women. The event, unknown to me, affected my relationships with women and my ability to be intimate with people. It was not until my wife Colleen, to my surprise, told me that I had an anger issue; this prompted me to take responsibility for manifesting a repetitive pattern in my life and I decided to do something about it.

I went on a journey with a shaman where the secret was unraveled. Reminiscing what happen when I was a toddler, now as a grown and mature man, I understood that a minute of anger wasn’t enough to conclude that my mom didn’t love me. She is human; she is very liable to anger. And as humans, we tend to react impulsively when angry. I forgave her and let the incident pass and most importantly, I healed.

Childhood experience plays a huge role in our emotional development. Our parents, who are regarded as our main attachment figures, are quite important to how we see the world because they determine what the world would look like for us.

Is it a safe environment to thrive in and take emotional risks? Is everyone out to hurt us and thus untrustworthy? Can we depend on significant individuals in our lives to help us in periods of emotional needs?

Trauma can also be viewed as long-term exposure to a particular stressful happening. This would encompass children brought up in certain abusive households. Lacking the secured net of a safe attachment relationship, these children mature to be adults who contend with feelings of low self-esteem and struggles with emotions. These children are also prone to developing anxiety and depression.

Trauma can also thrust its roots in our careers. Individuals who find it hard to accept certain career setbacks tend to get traumatized easily. For such individuals, a simple disappointment at work like missing a much-desired promotion or being treated unfairly could reanimate early trauma, causing such an individual with traumatic feelings to eventually ruin their career by running from one job to the next, to the next, if they don’t snap out of it.

Employees with such characteristics often try as much as possible to prevent intimate relationships at work simply because such relationships stir up strong feelings which result in certain traumatic memories. As a result, they don’t trust others, and can’t be trusted themselves because they are guarded with fear.

As humans we all respond to trauma in diverse ways, experiencing an extensive array of emotional and physical reactions. There exists no appropriate or wrong way to feel, think, or react, so you shouldn’t judge your reactions or those of other individuals. Your response is normal reactions to weird happenings.

You can identify trauma through these symptoms, which are: emotional and psychological, and the physical symptoms.

Emotional and Psychological Symptoms of Trauma

· Acrid fear and anxiety

· The feeling of sadness and hopelessness

· Feeling insensible and disconnected

· Low self-worth, shame, and guilt

· Bipolar disorders, anger, irritability

· Solitude

Physical Symptoms

· Agitation and nervousness

· Difficulty focusing

· Nightmares and insomnia

· Pains and aches

· Muscle strain

· Racing heartbeat

Healing from Trauma

The symptoms of trauma usually last from some days to a few months, slowly disintegrating as you come to terms with the traumatic event. But even when you feel you have conquered the trauma, you may be agitated frequently by painful emotions or even memories, especially in reaction to events that remind you of the trauma.

If you observe that your trauma symptoms aren’t showing any indication of reducing, and you find out that it gets hard to forget the traumatic event, then you may have PTSD ( post-traumatic stress disorder).

While emotional trauma is a typical reaction to certain unpleasant phenomenon, it becomes PTSD when you observe that you are stuck in a traumatic limbo.

Irrespective of the type of trauma you are experiencing, you can eventually heal from it and continue with your normal life.

First, you have to acknowledge that you are traumatized after which you seek for ways to end the trauma. You can do this by:

· Self-regulating your nervous system

· Asking for advice and support when required

· Performing exercises

· Not dwelling too much on the traumatic experience

· Ensuring you take care of your health

· Seek professional assistance if out of control

· Forget the past and focus on what lies ahead

Talking through trauma is a significant part of healing. As humans, most of us hate the idea of opening up to our traumatic experience. Discussing a painful experience can feel shameful; it could also expose our vulnerabilities and leave us prone to emotional blackmailers.

We think by having a dialogue about our trauma, we’ll break down more and never find our bearings. We feel we are the only ones to go through anything like it, and there’ll be no one who’d understand how we think. But we are wrong.

Sincerely, there is nothing weird or bad about experiencing trauma. Like I stated at the beginning of this post, as humans, we are all bound to experience trauma at a certain phase in our lives.

It’s how you deal with it that matters. And opening up to your trauma is the first step to finding your bearings. The fear of being vulnerable shouldn’t deter you from taking that important step to getting your life back on track. Nothing in this world is worth sacrificing your well-being. You should continuously tell yourself that. If possible, make it a mantra.

Don’t be ashamed of approaching a trusted person and discussing your ordeal with them. A problem shared is half solved. By talking to someone about your trauma, you’ll feel relieved and light-hearted.

Remember, you aren’t the only traumatized individual roaming the earth, and you certainly wouldn’t be the last. Whatever has a beginning must have an end.

Trauma isn’t everlasting. The first step to defeating trauma is by talking to someone about it. To do so, you have to ignore the thoughts of being shamed or vulnerable; and strive towards healing.

Growing evidence suggests mindfulness as another important strategy for individuals bidding to recover from trauma. And it only makes sense since mindful thinking allows us to visualize our thoughts and understand that what we feel or think about a particular situation, may not necessarily be true. At its core, mindfulness helps us to take control of our thoughts and not be drowned by the negative experiences we might have been through in the past.

Depending on the scale of traumatic stress and individual ability to manage the condition, the recovery process can take anywhere from a few weeks to months.

Yet it can take some years to fully reclaim their inner calm and become psychologically whole, following a traumatic past. This is especially true for individuals who have experienced complex trauma.

Don’t worry how long the duration will be to recover. Taking the first bold step is what matters. In addition to seeking professional help, certain self-driven practices can help, meditation is one of those. Establishing a healthy sleep routine is also recommended.

According to research, auricular acupuncture is another trusty way to expedite healing from trauma, especially for individuals who have turned to drugs and alcohol in their bid to temporarily ward off negative thoughts and emotions. The procedure also enhances sleep and promotes clearer thought patterns among individuals who consistently receive it.

By accepting the need to tackle trauma, seeking professional help as soon as possible and surrounding yourself with a reliable support network as well as driving recovery with healthy lifestyle choices, your road to complete recovery from trauma may well and truly be underway.

In my season finale of Rant & Grow, I invited my friend Keith Fiveson, Founder of The Work Mindfulness Project, an expert in mindfulness, to discuss the topic of trauma. We also discussed how as a society the USA has suffered from trauma. We haven’t fully healed from the wrongs we did to an entire race for example. As a body of people, as a society we need to heal and openly talk about these things.

Admirable work in this direction, include Chelsea Handler in her recent Netflix documentary “Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.” She is bringing awareness to a traumatic situation in the fabric of our culture, the body of our nation, that needs to be healed.

We have to have the courage to open up about our personal traumas and seek to heal as individuals, and also as a society. The quality of our future depends on it.

Check out the Rant & Grow season finale with Keith. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

According to studies and research it has been proven that being dependent can lead to situations which could affect one’s psychological well-being. For example, as a young adult sharing an apartment with your parents you will experience less privacy, and will often be obligated to follow certain rules, and accept decisions which may not be well-aligned with your life’s plan.

Being dependent on others can make you very susceptible to depression. You can experience frustration when decisions are made for you. You can feel disappointed when you can’t get certain things because the people you depend on (your parents) refuse you access. You can become disgruntled when your schedule is crammed with several house chores to earn your keep; robbing you of quality time for yourself.

It’s important as a young adult to strive towards being independent. By striving to be independent and aiming to make your decision out of a place of power, you clear the path to your fulfillment.

“Making decisions towards your fulfillment isn’t always easy. Sometimes the outcomes create temporary pain, but the end goal is worth it.”

Carina, a recent college graduate who participated in my latest Rant & Grow podcast, made a tough decision out of a place of power. She broke up with her boyfriend who threatened her with an ultimatum, because she felt that such a relationship could prove detrimental to her pursuit of her long-term fulfillment.

It was a painful decision. But in the end, she’ll become fulfilled because of her ability to achieve the intended outcomes she desires for her life.

When presented with the choice of selecting between happiness and fulfillment, we always tend to go for the immediate happiness. But happiness is a fleeting thing; it’s ephemeral.

In attaining a particular level of fulfillment, you must go through certain experiences that at times aren’t going to make you feel happy. Carina’s case is a very explicit example of having to endure a break-up in order to fulfill her long-term life goals.

Another example can be seen in the situation whereby you tear up your muscles working out at the gym all for the cause of becoming fit, strong, and healthy. Of course, tearing up your muscles hurts; it’s not a happy experience, but eventually you attain the desired fitness and end up being fulfilled.

You may find this weird and probably hard to believe, but you can also experience happiness and still not be fulfilled. On the other hand, you can experience pain and still be fulfilled.

The example I gave on tearing up your muscles at the gym, all for the aim of being fit, is a typical example of experiencing pain but ultimately becoming fulfilled. Now let me give a vivid illustration of what I meant when I said you could experience happiness and still not be fulfilled.

When I was single, I engaged in recreational relationships and one-night stands, which made a part of me happy for a while, but I ended up not being fulfilled. Why? Simple! I wasn’t fulfilled because my desire for developing intimacy with a partner wasn’t achieved. 

“Just because something brings you happiness here and now, it does not mean it will fulfill your ultimate needs.”

According to a survey carried out in the United States, featured by MarketWatch, a significant rise in the percentage of fresh graduates who returned to their parent’s homes after college was observed. In the year 2005, 19% of fresh graduates returned to their parent’s house. While in the year 2016, the value skyrocketed to 28%, 9% rise to be precise. Over the same time period, the percentage of young college graduates likely to live with a romantic partner fell to 34% from 44%.

Judging by the results of the survey, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that such an outcome isn’t appealing and would end up affecting the long-term careers of such graduates. 

There is a significant decline in the needed pressure on these individuals to hustle and make a life for themselves, compared to if they were living alone and less dependent on their parents.

An independent graduate wouldn’t take up such a lackadaisical approach because they know that if they don’t work hard, they will starve. So, they hustles to remaining independent. 

Hustling is a much-needed skill that will serve them during difficult times in their adult lives. Facing challenges early will prepare them for bigger challenges later in life that come with aging parents, raising children, and the demands of careers.

To be independent means to be your boss. You make decisions for yourself without need for approval. Nothing beats being able to cater to your needs without the help of your parents. Being independent comes with a high level of respect and commendation. 

As young adults who are recent college graduates, I implore you to strive towards living an independent life for the sake of your long-term career, growth, and personal development.

“Being independent makes you feel empowered; you are in the driver seat of your life.”

As a young adult, moving out of your parent’s house after college in search of greener pastures won’t be easy, but you stand a chance to get a jump start towards your own fulfillment after you manage to pull it off.

As a young adult go for what you think is beneficial to you. Refuse to let other people’s opinions stifle yours. Ensure you have the courage to adhere to your heart and intuition. You can achieve a lot when you make up your mind to be independent.

By being independent, you have the freedom to try out new things. Don’t be afraid to make lots of mistakes along the way. This eventually gives you more insight into the world and all that exists out there. Life is a continuous journey of learning and growing.

It is in this profound range of experiences that you find opportunities for adventure and success. Dependent individuals will find it hard to come across such opportunities. This is exactly what sets most successful young adults apart from the rest.

“Our goal in life isn’t to be happy; our goals is to experience fulfillment.”

Fulfillment comes with a price tag. You have to be willing to make difficult decisions that align with your long-term goals in life. Anything worth having comes with challenges, and the need for perseverance.

“The more we earn our fulfillment, the more it becomes ours and the longer it lasts.”

This is exactly what Carina learned during our discussion, the difference between striving for happiness, instead of fulfillment. Carina is well on her way towards her fulfillment. 

She made a difficult decision to get out of a relationship that wasn’t serving her needs, and she experienced pain for it. That kind of courage will serve her well for years to come, because the temporary pain far outweighs the long-term fulfillment of being on purpose with her life.

Check out the Rant & Grow podcast life coaching session with Carina and see how I help her shift her mindset towards pursuing her independence and fulfillment. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

Individuals who make remarkable achievements and attain great feats are always cheered and praised. Often seen as role models, everyone wants to walk down the road of success as they do. It is everyone’s dream to take up a challenge and succeed, nothing less will do.

Students want to attend college and make good grades; they want to be quintessential of success. Employees want to be successful in their workplace. Entrepreneurs want to build the next unicorn. Everyone wants to be successful, and no one wants to fail; this gives rise to a phobia of failure.

When you take up a task or a challenge you expect everything to play out well, you expect a successful outcome, but somewhere in your mind you may harbor little doubt, an iota of fear is comfortably nestling in your mind. We are humans, so it’s alright to have uncertainty. To many people, a good outcome is the yardstick for success. Some people are quite optimistic, so the fear of failure seldom troubles them, while some have a constant phobia of failure.

Students fear failure, so they read more and study harder. Employees don’t want to fail at a task and get fired, so they work harder. Everyone strives for success because failure comes with a stigma, and sadly in some cases punishment.

One of the reasons people fail is because they place lots of emphasis on outcomes instead of learning. We strive to achieve a goal and when we don’t, we feel we’ve failed, and we refuse to acknowledge all that was learned during the struggle to achieve such a goal.

Achieving goals and succeeding are healthy endeavors as long as your sense of self-worth isn’t tied to it. The reality is you are not going to win all the time, or succeed all the time, and if your sense of self-worth is tied to winning, you will be on a perpetual roller coaster ride of ups and downs your entire life.

We lack the appropriate knowledge of what true success entails.

We shouldn’t define success by how overwhelming the outcome is. Instead, we should define success by the knowledge gathered during the journey of trying to attain it irrespective of the result.

“Success is about growth, about what we learned during the strive to become greater than we were.”

Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb, allegedly made about 1000 trials before he successfully invented the light bulb. It was in this 999th trial that he got it right. When he was interviewed, he said that he didn’t fail 999 times, but learned of 999 ways to wrongly invent the bulb; that’s genius!

I’m quite sure that he didn’t place lots of emphasis on the outcome, which was successfully inventing the light bulb. He knew very well that each failed trial was an opportunity to develop and learn new ways in which the bulb wasn’t going to be invented.

“A student may fail if the expectation on results is higher than the desire to learn. The desire to learn and grow should be the propelling force behind all targeted goals.”

When we pursue outcomes relentlessly, we tend to feel dejected when these outcomes aren’t what we expect. But when you embark on a task with little thought of the outcome, you tend to be glad of what you’ve learned even when the outcome isn’t great.

“To achieve success, we must learn how to focus on learning rather than results.”

Another way to overcome the fear of failure is by having a positive mindset, and by also affirming that you can achieve anything you wish to. Love the journey and the process, because if you do the destination won’t matter. By having this mindset you’ll be limiting the fear of failure in your life.

See every task or goal as another opportunity to learn and gain experience and not solely an opportunity to attain outcomes. Everything is a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to gather experience, which will eventually lead to growth.

Most individuals attach their self-worth to outcomes, and as a result experience ups and down with self-esteem and satisfaction. This is a worldwide epidemic. When outcomes fail to turn out the way we want them to, we feel a massive dip in our self-worth. We can lose morale, which can be detrimental to our well-being.

For instance, a typical example can be seen in a student who failed a course. Of course, such a student wouldn’t consider the fact that along the journey he/she learned certain things regarding the course, they would only consider the fact that they failed, and this might affect their self-worth.

But if this student didn’t place much emphasis on the outcome, he/she won’t be moved by the fact that they failed; instead, they would be glad for the gathered experience and knowledge which would aid their growth and would also be helpful on the next trial.

Fear of failure can be a great cause of stress, but there is a misconception about stress. The majority of us see stress as something obnoxious, truth be told stress isn’t really as bad as we think it is.

Stress actually stretches our abilities and helps us achieve our goals, depending on how we direct it. If we put in all of our stress into the accomplishment of a certain goal, we’ll be surprised at how quickly it’ll yield great results.

The only situation whereby stress becomes detrimental is when the energy lays dormant inside us, that is when we aren’t harnessing it into anything. When we store up stress, it’s like storing up explosives.

“High stress is a red flag indication that you are not spending your energy towards creative and productive endeavors, and that you are too attached to expectations, instead of growth.”

Affirming each day that you are on a learning and growth trajectory towards achieving your goals, can help remove the fear of failure, and drastically reduce stress. Your belief needs to become such that no matter what the outcomes from your goals, you are simply feeding your curiosity to grow.

The relationship we have with failure is tied to our beliefs, and expectations. If we believe our self-worth is tied to achieving our goals successfully, all the time; we will inevitably fail.

By using mantras as a brain hacking technique for 90 days, reaffirming that we are on a journey of discovery and learning, our actions and behavior will start to align to that belief, and our relationship with failure will also change, because we remove the attachment to validate our own self-worth based on outcomes.

This is what happened to Eric Faison, Founder of Hoop News. Eric had a negative outcome from something he was passionate about as a kid and has spent most of his life in a state of fear of failure which has caused him to build things and move on to the next thing, before he could fail or succeed at it. This kind of repetitive pattern has been a great cause of stress for Eric for many years.

Check out the Rant & Grow podcast life coaching session with Eric and see how he finally breaks free of his fear of failure. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

It’s been said that you are what you believe. What does that mean exactly? The difference between success and failure in life can very often be traced to what we call beliefs, and the appeal beliefs have on our lives. 

By success or failure, I am talking about living the life you desire, not the one you may have defaulted to as a way to survive. There are plenty of successful people (financially speaking), in jobs they despise that simply defaulted there out of need. Success means living life on your terms. Living your ideal life.

“In order to achieve success, one must have a sound set of beliefs which to live by and a faithful adherence to those beliefs.” 

Our actions will always follow our beliefs. Most people aren’t even aware of their beliefs, but you can see what they are by the way they live.

For example, my recent life coaching guest on the Rant & Grow podcast, Michelle Allaire, is a mother of three, a business owner, and at the core of who she is, an artist. As an artist her belief has been the narrative we often hear about artists — she believes to be a “starving artist.”

For some reason many artists carry this badge as if it’s cool, even a necessary part of being an artist. The sad truth is that this is an erroneous belief that doesn’t serve anyone. Why?

If you are starving you can’t produce good work, because you are spending most of your time figuring out how to survive, and you are also robbing the world of your gifts. No one benefits from that narrative. No one.

Our Actions Follow Our Beliefs

Actions in accordance with our beliefs should always be altered if they are seen to violate fundamental Universal morals. In most cases, a belief can be boiled down to a piercing simplicity that provides substantial guidance.

“When it comes to living our ideal life, it is the self-realization of the fundamental beliefs and reasons one exists.”

Our life’s purpose answers the questions: Why am I here? Why do I exist? It is entirely possible that two people share a common or very similar ideal life and purpose, just as it is entirely possible that two people can both share a rock-solid belief in the value “integrity”.

When you look into the stories of entrepreneurs like Walt Disney, BF Goodridge and others, some of these spent years in jail, had many bankruptcies, and had many challenges pursuing their dreams.

Disney believed that he could create a vehicle for people to feel happy. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Yet it took several bankruptcies and difficulties to create that value for others.

Just because you believe in something, it does not mean it won’t come with challenges. Living your ideal life means being willing to overcome any and all challenges, no matter what. It’s about being a leader.

Leaders don’t give up, they just keep pushing forward, their beliefs and commitment to improve the life of others, drives them to push through all kinds of adversity.

The benefit of overcoming adversity is personal growth, increased self-esteem, and happiness. Your commitment to overcome challenges is rooted in what you believe about yourself, about life, about the world.

“Beliefs determine our attitudes, the actions we take in life, and what we commit to.” 

As a coach I’ve helped 100s of men and women in the past decade as a volunteer. I didn’t become a certified life coach to pursue making a living from it, I did so I could learn additional tools to apply in my leadership practice focused on helping people become empowered.

My purpose in life is to empower people to grow. My mission is to set people free from a worldwide epidemic of low self-worth. My leadership style is rooted in the power of vulnerability, gratitude, self-awareness and authenticity.

Vulnerability, gratitude, and authenticity are my core beliefs leading my life, and none of that would be possible without keen self-awareness. These were not always my beliefs, I designed them purposefully using neuroscience techniques.

Whenever I see patterns repeating themselves, I ask my coaches and mentors for reflection. What I am looking for isn’t help with how to do stuff, I am looking to understand the limiting belief that is not allowing me to put into action the things that align with the ideal life I want to lead.

Getting back to Michelle, she isn’t starving. She is a successful business owner. She is a very organized leader who believes in the power of setting goals, and accountability. However, her passion is art. She has not been able to devote more time to pursuing her art, out of fear that she would starve. Why? That’s her belief as an artist. Artists starve!

All I did as her life coach is help her see that her business can be a source of income supporting her dream to do more of her art. We came up with a good schedule to allow herself the pursuit of what really makes her happy.

A plan for Michelle wasn’t enough. You can have all the plans, actions steps, goals in place, but the execution will always fall short if your beliefs aren’t aligned.

I worked with Michelle to develop a mantra to override her “starving artist” mindset, and she is committed to practicing it for 90 days. According to neuroscience that is how long it takes for a mantra to become a hard-coded new belief in the brain.

Check out the Rant & Grow podcast life coaching session with Michelle and see what commitments she makes to lead her ideal life and break free of the starving artist mindset. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

One of my passions aligns with my purpose to be a source of empowerment to people. That passion is in helping people break free of limiting beliefs that don’t serve them. As a result of those limiting beliefs, people’s unique gifts are withheld from the rest of us.

In my recent Rant & Grow podcast I spoke with board certified physician Kay Hooshmand, about her goals and desire to have a TV show. Kay was raised with the expectations of either becoming a lawyer or a doctor.

Many of you reading this know exactly what it’s like to be raised in families with high expectations on the children, and all the associated challenges that come with that.

One of the reasons pushing your kids towards a career that isn’t of real interest to them is not a good idea is that it establishes the mindset within them of “I don’t really matter”. This is made worse by the desire of a child to fulfill the parent’s wishes in an effort to receive approval. The outcome is you end up training your kids to be people pleasers.

We want the best for our children by pushing them to have goals and to achieve success. However, only pushing our own agenda ends up having a negative impact on the beliefs they hold about themselves. 

If you are a parent doing this to your children, stop. Stop it immediately.

My conversation with Kay reminded me of a lifelong issue I’ve personally struggled with related to people pleasing. Even after decades of work on self-awareness, and therapy, and coaching, and practice — it still creeps up on me from time to time.

People Pleasing is An Epidemic

People pleasing is a real problem. After you review these 10 signs I borrowed from a Psychologytoday.com article by Ami Morin about people pleasing, you may discover you are trying too hard to please everyone.

1. You pretend to agree with everyone.

Listening politely to other people’s opinions — even when you disagree — is a good social skill. But pretending to agree just because you want to be liked can cause you to engage in behavior that goes against your values.

2. You feel responsible for how other people feel.

It’s healthy to recognize how your behavior influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions.

3. You apologize often.

Whether you excessively blame yourself, or you fear other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. You don’t have to be sorry for being you.

4. You feel burdened by the things you have to do.

You’re in charge of how you spend your time. But if you are a people-pleaser, there’s a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that you think other people want you to do.

5. You can’t say no.

Whether you say yes and then actually follow through, or you later fake an illness to get out your commitments, you’ll never reach your goals if you can’t speak up for yourself.

6. You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you.

Just because someone is mad doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. But if you can’t stand the thought of someone being displeased with you, you’ll be more likely to compromise your values.

7. You act like the people around you.

It’s normal for other people to bring out different sides of your personality. But people-pleasers often sabotage their goals. Studies show that people-pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable in social situations. For example, people-pleasers eat more when they think it will make other people happy.

8. You need praise to feel good.

While praise and kind words can make anyone feel good, people pleasers depend on validation. If your self-worth rests entirely on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments.

9. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

It’s one thing not to want to start conflict. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to stand up for the things — and the people — you really believe in.

10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.

You can’t form authentic relationships with people unless you’re willing to speak up sometimes and say that your feelings are hurt. Denying that you’re angry, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed — even when you’re emotionally wounded — keeps a relationship superficial.

The Role of Self-Worth

The question I always ask when it comes to any beliefs or behaviors that are a negative manifestation of the ego is: what is the root cause?

It comes down to self-worth. Low self-worth has patterns of behavior rooted in the inability to be vulnerable and authentic, as well as the need to control. High self-worth has patterns of behavior rooted in love, sharing, freedom, acceptance and human dignity, and that is where we should be shifting our focus.

People pleasing is a form of needing to control. Control how others react to you, control what they think of you, control their emotions and behaviors. The need to control is rooted in low-self-worth.

“Low self-worth is a worldwide epidemic, but it does not have to be a life sentence.”

One of the 12 principles of an authentic leader, covered in my upcoming book “Emotionally Aware Leadership” deals with the impact self-worth has on leadership development, and how we show up in the world. 

Self-worth impacts how we relate within ourselves and how we act towards others. Included is research data across 1350 people with scary results on how many people simply don’t think well enough of their own self-worth.

You’ll have to wait to read the results of the research, but for now if you are interested in gaining a little more perspective on this subject you can visit a previous blog with some videos by clicking here.

Brain Hacking Your Way to Freedom

The good news is that if you were raised to be a people pleaser, it’s not a life sentence. You can break free of it and gain control of your own life. 

You can only achieve true happiness by living your purpose. If people pleasing is in the way of you pursuing your passions that align with your purpose, you will want to break free immediately.

Kay is on her way to manifesting her purpose with some specific goals and the adoption of some mantras. Mantras are a powerful way to apply neuroscience, or as some call it “brain hacking” techniques.

“Only when we break free of the need to please people, can we freely fulfill our purpose in life.”

If you personally struggle with people pleasing, here is a simple mantra you can adopt right away to set yourself free:

“I am worthy to live my life according to what best suits me. I accept myself fully as I am, and only attract people who respect me for who I am. I choose to be my authentic self at all times, and I am deserving to fulfill my life purpose.”

Remember to repeat it several times a day for 90 days. You can develop new habits in 21 days, but in order to code a new belief in the brain, it takes 90 days of daily mantras.

Six Simple Steps to Fulfill Your Purpose

Step One — Identify and remove your barriers. Work with a mentor, a coach or a therapist to get vulnerable about the beliefs standing in the way of your success.

Step Two — Ask yourself what you wish to be remembered for when your time on this planet comes to and end. What will be your legacy? Write that down.

Step Three — What are your values? Write them down. Do you value integrity, helping people, empowering people, making money, helping charities? Your values will not only be your guide through life, but they will attract who participates in your life with you.

Step Four — Identify your weaknesses and your strengths. Accept your weakness but leverage your strengths. Don’t waste time trying to fix you, spend time focusing on what’s already great about who you are and use that to your advantage.

Step Five — Adopt gratitude, vulnerability, and authenticity as your way of being. Gratitude will open you up to seeing possibilities, and overcome challenges. Vulnerability will allow you to forgive yourself and others for being imperfect. Authenticity will give you the strength to never sell yourself out, under any circumstances.

Step Six— Have a plan of action with measurable goals, and ask a mentor, coach or a trusted friend to hold you accountable to them. In the end, manifestation only happens in the world of action, not vision. Do the work.

Kay is a smart, strong, and independent woman who is raising a child on her own, put herself through medical school, and has ambition to make a difference in the world. She is a leader. All she needed was a little perspective and some life coaching tools.

Check out the life coaching session with Kay and see what commitments she makes to be true to herself and break free of expectations from others. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

For a long time, society has demanded that we show up as good people. Do the right things and practice Godliness. The facts are that this has turned out to be an impossible expectation to fulfill. Not because we can’t be good people, and do the right things, it’s because the edict doesn’t give license to vulnerably reveal the darkness in the way of achieving the goal of being a good person.

“When we accept ourselves as a gift in the world, we begin to recognize the same in others. Whatever is external of ourselves becomes a mirror of who we are within.” 

That means that if you don’t like what is external of you, simply shift what is within you.

“ALL PROBLEMS SOLVED”. Simple right? Not exactly.

There is a step that most people avoid, and that is to reveal the darkness within first. At the heart of becoming the best version of ourselves, is acceptance. While historically we’ve had the pressure to always show up as if we have it all together, for fear of retribution of judgement from others, we can’ keep avoiding or masking our darkness.

It’s important to go deeper in the darkness we are in as individuals to discover the source of it, but we have to stop judging and shaming each other for being human. We are imperfect. We discover ourselves through failures., just as science discovers things through failure.

“Failure is built into the success formula of scientific discovery, it’s no different in how we discover ourselves as human beings.”

If you have darkness within you, instead of feeling shame, or guild you could shift your context and realize that our collective consciousness has chosen you to play out the darkness so you could overcome it and create the frequency for others to do the same. This is because you are the best person among all of us, to overcome it and become a beacon of Light for the rest of us.

Let me repeat that in case it hasn’t sunken in yet. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO OVERCOME THE DARKNESS YOU ARE IN.

“The way out of hell in life… is on the other side of it. The door is just past the point of no return… only those trusting that the door is within reach, can walk through fire and gain control over everything.”

There are two ways to overcome challenges in life.

1) You work really hard to transform yourself, and to overcome the “not so good” traits; most of us end up simply suppressing who we are, but few do actually transform “some” aspects of themselves. 

2) You accept yourself as you are, and you focus on becoming a being who bestows goodness in the world. When you are feeling bad about yourself, you are not good to you or anyone.

The first route will have you chasing your tail for years, and when you do fall (which happens in this imperfect reality) you’ll feel so bad, that you can’t focus on anything else. This has been the cause of depression, anger, resentment and all the chaos in the world for thousands of years. It all stems from lack of self-respect, self-love, self-dignity, self-honor, and lack of self-acceptance.

It’s impossible to accept others as they are when we still have traits, we don’t accept about ourselves. How can you accept other people’s traits, if you don’t accept yourself completely?

The second route shifts you into a parallel universe instantly, where you begin to accept others by allowing them to not be perfect, just like you. 

“When you accept yourself for all of who you are, you can do the same for others, and you begin to experience life’s beauty and perfection in the imperfections.”

Acceptance shifts you into a parallel Universe where bliss is the normal mode of existence… Acceptance is being present without judgment. Having trouble with self-acceptance?

Try this simple exercise and mantra. Give yourself a hung and say:

“I am great just as I am, and I love me just as I am; I extend the same to everyone around me, and allow them to accept me as I am. I can now focus my energy on emanating the love I have for myself to the entire world and allow the world to do the same in return”.

For millenniums we’ve been going in circles feeling bad about our “character flaws”, which in some ways has kept us from achieving our greatest potential as humanity.

It’s important to get in touch with our own inner ugliness, yes… this is very important, but for no other reason than to recognize it, accept it, and find love for ourselves anyway.

“How we choose to perceive ourselves, is how we experience the entire Universe.”

Our thoughts and actions generate energy; this energy multiplies and creates a frequency for others. The more we generate the energy of compassion, love, and we shed a tear for those who suffer, the more a sense of urgency will take place worldwide to do the same.

Self-acceptance isn’t just the first step to practicing emotional intelligence, it is the way to living free of shame, and free to be our imperfect selves. My recent Rant & Grow guest, Rocky Rosen is the world’s #1 smoking cessation coach (aka the cigarette whisperer) as he turns 67 he is finally embracing self-acceptance.

Check out the coaching session with Rocky and see what commitments he makes to practice self-acceptance and supercharge his life. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.