I heard from a sage that if ever you are not sure, or not clear on a decision, you should not make one. Isn’t that making a decision? I am not saying this to be a wise ass, I am just stating the obvious.
No decision is a decision, but it isn’t a decisive one. I think what the sage meant was that if you don’t feel confident in standing by your decision, don’t make one.
The problem with this stream of consciousness is that it doesn’t take into account the possibility that some people are holding on to narratives in their minds about themselves that cause them to lack confidence all together.
In the final analysis the advice is prudent and valuable, but for people who are stuck, and have been for a long time — it doesn’t serve them.
de·ci·sive /dəˈsīsiv/ Adjective: producing a definite result. Having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively.
Making decisions quickly that are effective is an art. Not everyone can or should make them. However, not being able to be decisive, and sitting on the fence is not going to serve you either.
My guest, Bill, on the recent Rant & Grow podcast, has made indecisiveness a lifelong practice. One that has caused him to live in a permanent stuck state of being. To be fair, this didn’t just happen without cause.
Bill was in a dysfunctional family dynamic with a father who didn’t exactly create a safe environment. His father would yell at him and undermine his child like exuberance for life. Over time a child gives up trying, because he/she feels suppressed.
“While we are not responsible for our upbringing, we are responsible for the choices we make as adults.”
It’s very dangerous to settle into a narrative that becomes our lives. For Bill the familiar narrative was one of manifesting bosses who screamed at him and didn’t make him feel worthy or safe. Bill stayed in a relationship long after it was over, because the discomfort of feeling less than worthy, is familiar to him.
For those who have never experienced manifesting the same things over and over, like in a the “Ground Hog Day” movie, it might prove difficult to understand why a negative experience is familiar to someone. Makes no sense. The truth is we all manifest familiar situations. Good or bad. It’s a matter of accepting if they work for us, or not.
In the case of Bill, manifesting lack isn’t’ something he wants to continue to do. Someone who’s books and teachings I’ve admired over the years, Rav Berg, used to say: “When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain to change, people change.”
When I speak to guests on my new podcast, it’s difficult to keep it together at times. Sometimes I just want to cry for them. Some of their experiences I learn off-the air, are heartbreaking. Nonetheless the choices we make as adults, are ours and ours alone.
This brings me to the climax of the conversation with Bill. Every choice we make is a decision. Staying stuck is a decision. Moving forward is a decision. Not making a decision is also a decision.
Over the years working with 100s of men, coaching as a volunteer some rather dysfunctional people (some out of choice), I’ve learned that there is no other elixir more powerful than decisiveness.
This isn’t just an elixir for men, this is the cure to what ails most of us. If you don’t like the situation you are in, decide to change it. If you don’t like your career, decide to change it. Change is going to happen anyway. It’s truly the only constant of life. Wouldn’t you rather be the cause than the effect?
Every internal mind chatter about why you can’t do something and so on, is simply a narrative you’ve been selling yourself for a long time. I am not saying it’s easy to be decisive, to move forward, and to honor your self-worth. It’s hard work when your childhood experiences have been stacked up against you. It’s also sacred work.
It’s sacred work because whatever we’ve manifested from our upbringing, we will pass on to our children. Therefore, breaking cycles that aren’t very favorable becomes sacred duty.
There is no shortcut, magic pill, meditation, mantra, or magical ayahuasca tea ceremony with a shaman that will have a more profound effect on your life, than to decisively be in action towards manifesting your life’s purpose. An ayahuasca ceremony might open you up to see the truth behind your masks, behind your ego, but you’ll still have to take action on what you discover to effectively impact your life moving forward.
At the end of the podcast I stress to Bill one simple concept. Do the f_@&ing work! Stop monkeying around, and do the work. As we courageously move forward it gets easier. It’s like getting fit. It hurts initially, and then over time as you get stronger, and more confident, it becomes a source of empowerment and pleasure.
Doing the hard work to change and evolve, becomes a source of pleasure over time because you begin to experience life on your terms, not a familiar robotic loop of a narrative that doesn’t apply to you as an adult, and more than likely never did even as a child.
Listen to the latest podcast right here, and experience Bill’s transformation in the making. Maybe, just maybe you might discover something valuable for your own’s life journey.