Self-Acceptance Will Supercharge Your Life

Self-Acceptance Will Supercharge Your Life

Tullio Siragusa

For a long time, society has demanded that we show up as good people. Do the right things and practice Godliness. The facts are that this has turned out to be an impossible expectation to fulfill. Not because we can’t be good people, and do the right things, it’s because the edict doesn’t give license to vulnerably reveal the darkness in the way of achieving the goal of being a good person.

“When we accept ourselves as a gift in the world, we begin to recognize the same in others. Whatever is external of ourselves becomes a mirror of who we are within.” 

That means that if you don’t like what is external of you, simply shift what is within you.

ALL PROBLEMS SOLVED”. Simple right? Not exactly.

There is a step that most people avoid, and that is to reveal the darkness within first. At the heart of becoming the best version of ourselves, is acceptance. While historically we’ve had the pressure to always show up as if we have it all together, for fear of retribution of judgement from others, we can’ keep avoiding or masking our darkness.

It’s important to go deeper in the darkness we are in as individuals to discover the source of it, but we have to stop judging and shaming each other for being human. We are imperfect. We discover ourselves through failures., just as science discovers things through failure.

“Failure is built into the success formula of scientific discovery, it’s no different in how we discover ourselves as human beings.”

If you have darkness within you, instead of feeling shame, or guild you could shift your context and realize that our collective consciousness has chosen you to play out the darkness so you could overcome it and create the frequency for others to do the same. This is because you are the best person among all of us, to overcome it and become a beacon of Light for the rest of us.

Let me repeat that in case it hasn’t sunken in yet. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO OVERCOME THE DARKNESS YOU ARE IN.

“The way out of hell in life… is on the other side of it. The door is just past the point of no return… only those trusting that the door is within reach, can walk through fire and gain control over everything.”

There are two ways to overcome challenges in life.

1) You work really hard to transform yourself, and to overcome the “not so good” traits; most of us end up simply suppressing who we are, but few do actually transform “some” aspects of themselves. 

2) You accept yourself as you are, and you focus on becoming a being who bestows goodness in the world. When you are feeling bad about yourself, you are not good to you or anyone.

The first route will have you chasing your tail for years, and when you do fall (which happens in this imperfect reality) you’ll feel so bad, that you can’t focus on anything else. This has been the cause of depression, anger, resentment and all the chaos in the world for thousands of years. It all stems from lack of self-respect, self-love, self-dignity, self-honor, and lack of self-acceptance.

It’s impossible to accept others as they are when we still have traits, we don’t accept about ourselves. How can you accept other people’s traits, if you don’t accept yourself completely?

The second route shifts you into a parallel universe instantly, where you begin to accept others by allowing them to not be perfect, just like you. 

“When you accept yourself for all of who you are, you can do the same for others, and you begin to experience life’s beauty and perfection in the imperfections.”

Acceptance shifts you into a parallel Universe where bliss is the normal mode of existence… Acceptance is being present without judgment. Having trouble with self-acceptance?

Try this simple exercise and mantra. Give yourself a hung and say:

“I am great just as I am, and I love me just as I am; I extend the same to everyone around me, and allow them to accept me as I am. I can now focus my energy on emanating the love I have for myself to the entire world and allow the world to do the same in return”.

For millenniums we’ve been going in circles feeling bad about our “character flaws”, which in some ways has kept us from achieving our greatest potential as humanity.

It’s important to get in touch with our own inner ugliness, yes… this is very important, but for no other reason than to recognize it, accept it, and find love for ourselves anyway.

“How we choose to perceive ourselves, is how we experience the entire Universe.”

Our thoughts and actions generate energy; this energy multiplies and creates a frequency for others. The more we generate the energy of compassion, love, and we shed a tear for those who suffer, the more a sense of urgency will take place worldwide to do the same.

Self-acceptance isn’t just the first step to practicing emotional intelligence, it is the way to living free of shame, and free to be our imperfect selves. My recent Rant & Grow guest, Rocky Rosen is the world’s #1 smoking cessation coach (aka the cigarette whisperer) as he turns 67 he is finally embracing self-acceptance.

Check out the coaching session with Rocky and see what commitments he makes to practice self-acceptance and supercharge his life. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

Fear Is Not a Weakness  but Not Asking for Help Is

Fear Is Not a Weakness  but Not Asking for Help Is

Tullio Siragusa

I have learned that we can overcome our bouts of depression, guilt and anger by finally recognizing the source of our feelings and gaining control over life’s outcomes.

Most of us want to rid ourselves of pain and frustration and experience peace of mind, love and fulfillment. At the same time, we want to control and be able to predict future events and maintain our old self-concepts. In other words, we want to do the same things over and over but expect different results.

Some say that is the sign of insanity or stupidity, however to most people life is a series of loops, twists and turns much like a roller coaster.

Fear works to victimize us and to immobilize us from taking action in our lives. Fear pushes us into a never-ending repetitive cycle of contemplation, procrastination, and eliminates any possibility for fulfillment, love, happiness, security, success and purpose.

Our mind constantly replays all of our memories like a video. Included are tons of obsolete guilt and fears, which squeeze out the joy of the present.

“A fear-based mind will convince you to blame everything around you as a way of not taking full responsibility for your life.

Fear is the root of all that is broken in our lives. For thousands of years establishments have used fear to control the masses. Fear causes separation between us. Fear causes us to become dishonest with ourselves when we try to live up to standards put in place by doctrine for example.

In the case of Tim, my recent Rant & Grow podcast guest, he lost his mother when he was just 18. A few years later he married his wife who took on the role of the rock in his life. That was the role of his mother before she passed away just a few years before he got married. In essence Tim looked to his wife as his new source of fulfillment and stability.

That is a lot of pressure on an individual. Tim’s wife was put in a position to take on having to fulfill his needs. It’s not fair to put those expectations on another person.

Many years later they had a child, his wife shifted her focus from Tim to their son. That is totally normal, but Tim ends up experiencing another form of loss. His behaviors reflect those of someone who has not learned self-awareness yet and hasn’t learned healthy ways to cope with pain yet. Fast forward, Tim loses his dad, and recently he fears losing his job.

His relationship with his wife has been tumultuous, they are on the brink of divorce. He blames her for their issues, yet he has never fully shown up into the relationship complete as a man, as a husband. He has shown up needy from day one. No wonder she is resentful towards him.

The point of the coaching session wasn’t to judge Tim, it was to help Tim wake up. Tim has lived with the fear of loss for two decades. He never healed the wound of losing his mother. The repeating patterns of fear of loss, and in some cases actual loss have caused behaviors that are less than stellar for a grown man, for a husband and a father.

The cycles of fear can often be overridden with some good brain hacking techniques (aka mantras), and with a shift in focus towards being in action. For example, having goals with clear action steps, and associated timelines is a solid way to get someone unstuck, and manifesting a better reality for themselves.

However, there are times when that isn’t enough. There are times when therapy is needed. A life coach can help uncover blockages, identify steps to move forward powerfully, help develop healthy life habits, hold you accountable toward your goals, but we are not therapists.

Sometimes you have to refer someone to a psychologist who uses different tools and techniques to help an individual heal from wounds that manifest in repetitive negative behaviors.

In the case of Tim, that is what I ended up recommending at the end of the coaching session. His session can be revealing if you find yourself repeating certain behavioral patterns, especially when it comes to relationships.

Fear will not serve you in building a great relationship with a partner, employees, friends, and above all with yourself. Seeing a therapist, isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of maturity.

We are not supposed to have everything figured out; we are supposed to learn to be honest with ourselves and be authentic.

The first step to removing fear from your life requires self-honesty. The second step is self-awareness, and this does not happen on its own… you have to ask for help.

You can get help reading personal development books, speaking to coaches, mentors, a spiritual guide, and in some cases a therapist. Nonetheless it isn’t having fears that is a sign of weakness, not asking for help is the weakness.

“Ask for the rope to get out of the hole you might be in, but don’t forget that it’s your job to put in the effort to pull yourself out.”

Check out the coaching session with Tim and see what commitments he makes to heal his wounds rooted in fear. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

Moving Forward Powerfully In-Spite of Limitations

Moving Forward Powerfully In-Spite of Limitations

Tullio Siragusa

Ever worked with someone who doesn’t remember to follow through on things? The person who makes it a habit to procrastinate and is often not organized. The one who waits for the last minute to work on that very important project? Ever wondered what causes a person to be this way?

It’s easy to judge someone as lazy, and to even lose trust in a colleague who is unreliable or doesn’t show up fully. It’s harder to understand the cause of such behavior and support that person to change.

Imagine as a child being told that you won’t amount to anything. Imagine being called null and void. Imagine being surrounded by family members who encourage you to play small, because they believe that being successful is evil. What a head trip, right? What do you think happens to that child when he/she becomes an adult?

Our upbringing has a lot to do with how we show up in the world as adults. It’s why the personal development industry is booming. Everyone is looking for answers, for gurus, for the elixir.

“Regardless of the limitations from your upbringing, the choices you make as an adult are yours, and totally on you.”

Shifting out of beliefs that we created as children that don’t serve us as adults isn’t easy. It’s the hardest, most sacred work we can do. However, finding excuses for staying in a limiting mindset is a choice.

My recent podcast guest Carlos was told by an uncle he was null and void. He was told he would not amount to anything. These are not idle words to a child. Before the age of 9 a child encodes his/her beliefs based on what they learn and observe. This continues as we evolve towards adulthood.

Raising children isn’t just about giving them shelter, food, and a physically safe home… we owe them an emotionally safe home too. The emotional safety of our children should be paramount to all we do as parents, educators, and mentors. The words you use around children can empower them or destroy their exuberance for life.

“We wouldn’t walk around with a sharp knife in our hands for fear to cut someone. Using disparaging words around children is just as lethal and hurtful as a sharp knife.”

Words can cut worse than a knife. Physically you can heal from a cut, but an emotional cut can stay with you for a long time and shape your reality.

As a life coach, I don’t get into the psychological needs of my podcast guests. When appropriate I recommend a therapist, but I always challenge the guest on the reasons why they choose to allow those childhood experiences to hold them back.

There is a paycheck associated with holding on to childhood hurts. There is a benefit we choose to hold on to. Many times, it conveniently helps people excuse themselves from being accountable. You’ll hear things like “I do this because of what happened when I was 12 years old”.

That is as good as the drunk person who kills someone while driving, saying: “I didn’t intend to kill anyone, I was drunk”. The choice to get drunk was made consciously. The choice to not practice moderation was made consciously.

I want to acknowledge that emotional wounds are often hidden in the subconscious, and at first the choices made aren’t always conscious. The thing about emotional wounds is that the choices one makes usually create repetitive results.

The repetition of negative outcomes is the visible sign and should serve as an alarm that something is wrong. The problem is, that just like an addict doesn’t always acknowledge he/she is an addict, the emotionally scarred can easily blame circumstances for the outcomes in their lives.

“The paycheck for staying in a limited belief state of mind is that you never have to take responsibility for your life — you choose to be a victim.”

Staying in a victim mindset is a choice. Doing the hard work to move forward powerfully is also a choice. Doing the sacred work to overcome the childhood emotional scars is like going to war with your shadow self.

That brings me back to the conversation with my Rant & Grow podcast guest Carlos. I spoke to him about tapping into one of the four archetypes that can help you move forward powerfully in any situation.

The King/Queen serves for the greater good. They are motivated by the desire to lead and create abundance for everyone they care about.

The Warrior fights for worthy causes, breaks free of limitations and bad situations for themselves and others.

The Lover gives without expectations and creates a safe space for others to vulnerably grow and find peace.

The Magician discovers the world in the grey areas of life and seeks to patiently learn understanding in order to grow.

Each of us shift in and out of all these archetypes at different stages of our lives. Sometimes we tap into the shadow version of these archetypes, like a King/Queen who abuses the power and acts like a tyrant.

I suggest getting familiar with the Jungian archetypes as a way to understand what is right for you, at any given moment to move powerfully through life.

I asked Carlos, what archetype would help him move forward powerfully in his life, in-spite of the emotional scars, and childhood wounds. He chose the King.

Everyone aspires to be the King/Queen. In the case of Carlos that is his aspirational archetype. If you are stuck, you may need to tap into the warrior first.

The warrior will show up no matter what the noise, no matter what the pain, no matter what the obstacles. The warrior can get you past any obstacle as long as you are clear about what you are fighting for.

In the case of Carlos, he is fighting to make a difference, to be a success in his life. He is fighting to prove that having it all isn’t evil, quite the contrary it is a sign of energy, or Light in your life.

At the end of the day, you can make excuses for yourself about how you were raised, how hard it was, and they would be very valid reasons to stay stuck.

You can create such a powerful narrative, that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You’ll attract everything that validates your narrative, and stay stuck, a victim.

Alternatively, you can make the choice to achieve greatness. The formula for achieving greatness is simple: “PROACTIVE ACTION”. Do the work! Just be the one who defines what greatness is, otherwise, you will end up pursuing someone else’s version of greatness.

Self-awareness will help you make conscious decisions. See a therapist, work with a coach, speak vulnerably with trusted mentors, do all you can to become aware of your behaviors, but go into action in-spite of all the limitations, this will help you show up powerfully in your life.

Check out the coaching session with Carlos and see what commitments he made to move himself powerfully in his life. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.

Decisiveness Is the Elixir to Get Unstuck

Decisiveness Is the Elixir to Get Unstuck

Tullio Siragusa

I heard from a sage that if ever you are not sure, or not clear on a decision, you should not make one. Isn’t that making a decision? I am not saying this to be a smart aleck, I am just stating the obvious.

No decision is a decision, but it isn’t a decisive one. I think what the sage meant was that if you don’t feel confident in standing by your decision, don’t make one.

The problem with this stream of consciousness is that it doesn’t take into account the possibility that some people are holding on to narratives in their minds about themselves that cause them to lack confidence all together.

In the final analysis the advice is prudent and valuable, but for people who are stuck, and have been for a long time — it doesn’t serve them.

de·ci·sive /dəˈsīsiv/ Adjective: producing a definite result. Having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively.

Making decisions quickly that are effective is an art. Not everyone can or should make them. However, not being able to be decisive, and sitting on the fence is not going to serve you either.

My guest, Bill, on the recent Rant & Grow podcast, has made indecisiveness a lifelong practice. One that has caused him to live in a permanent stuck state of being. To be fair, this didn’t just happen without cause.

Bill was in a dysfunctional family dynamic with a father who didn’t exactly create a safe environment. His father would yell at him and undermine his child like exuberance for life. Over time a child gives up trying, because he/she feels suppressed.

“While we are not responsible for our upbringing, we are responsible for the choices we make as adults.”

It’s very dangerous to settle into a narrative that becomes our lives. For Bill the familiar narrative was one of manifesting bosses who screamed at him and didn’t make him feel worthy or safe. Bill stayed in a relationship long after it was over, because the discomfort of feeling less than worthy, is familiar to him.

For those who have never experienced manifesting the same things over and over, like in a the “Ground Hog Day” movie, it might prove difficult to understand why a negative experience is familiar to someone. Makes no sense. The truth is we all manifest familiar situations. Good or bad. It’s a matter of accepting if they work for us, or not.

In the case of Bill, manifesting lack isn’t’ something he wants to continue to do. Someone who’s books and teachings I’ve admired over the years, Rav Berg, used to say: “When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain to change, people change.”

When I speak to guests on my new podcast, it’s difficult to keep it together at times. Sometimes I just want to cry for them. Some of their experiences I learn off-the air, are heartbreaking. Nonetheless the choices we make as adults, are ours and ours alone.

This brings me to the climax of the conversation with Bill. Every choice we make is a decision. Staying stuck is a decision. Moving forward is a decision. Not making a decision is also a decision.

Over the years working with 100s of men, coaching as a volunteer some rather dysfunctional people (some out of choice), I’ve learned that there is no other elixir more powerful than decisiveness.

This isn’t just an elixir for men, this is the cure to what ails most of us. If you don’t like the situation you are in, decide to change it. If you don’t like your career, decide to change it. Change is going to happen anyway. It’s truly the only constant of life. Wouldn’t you rather be the cause than the effect?

Every internal mind chatter about why you can’t do something and so on, is simply a narrative you’ve been selling yourself for a long time. I am not saying it’s easy to be decisive, to move forward, and to honor your self-worth. It’s hard work when your childhood experiences have been stacked up against you. It’s also sacred work.

It’s sacred work because whatever we’ve manifested from our upbringing, we will pass on to our children. Therefore, breaking cycles that aren’t very favorable becomes sacred duty.

There is no shortcut, magic pill, meditation, mantra, or magical ayahuasca tea ceremony with a shaman that will have a more profound effect on your life, than to decisively be in action towards manifesting your life’s purpose. An ayahuasca ceremony might open you up to see the truth behind your masks, behind your ego, but you’ll still have to take action on what you discover to effectively impact your life moving forward.

At the end of the podcast I stress to Bill one simple concept. Do the work! Stop monkeying around, and do the work. As we courageously move forward it gets easier. It’s like getting fit. It hurts initially, and then over time as you get stronger, and more confident, it becomes a source of empowerment and pleasure.

Doing the hard work to change and evolve, becomes a source of pleasure over time because you begin to experience life on your terms, not a familiar robotic loop of a narrative that doesn’t apply to you as an adult, and more than likely never did even as a child.

Listen to the latest podcast right here, and experience Bill’s transformation in the making. Maybe, just maybe you might discover something valuable for your own’s life journey.

Letting Go of Blame Will Set You Free

Letting Go of Blame Will Set You Free

Tullio Siragusa

When I was a kid, I had to ask permission to leave the dinner table. My parents were loving human beings who were also old school. It worked for them, and it worked for me too. I was also of a generation where your behavior was considered a direct reflection of your parents’ reputation. The pressure was constantly on, to behave properly, do the right thing, and to please my parents.

I remember my mom would often remind me that I represented her and my dad, and if I behaved badly, it would cause the parents of other children to think poorly of them.

For the sake of this blog, we are not going to discuss the merits, or lack thereof of that style of parenting. We are going talk about the impact that kind of pressure can have on us as we become adults.

I recently had Daniel as a guest on my new podcast Rant & Grow. The entertaining and heart-centered show is a life coaching session. Guests rant about situations and people that upset them, and then we dig into the personal root cause of the rant which helps the guests become more self-aware so they can break free and grow.

Daniel is a fairly successful 59-year-old man, born and raised in Los Angeles. He didn’t come from much, financially speaking; therefore, success was defined in terms of making money. His parents worked hard, and much like my own, they did whatever it took to take care of their families. Often doing work they didn’t necessarily like.

Self-sacrifice was the motto for them and their parents too. That motto has been around a very long time for many generations.

The problem with self-sacrifice is that eventually you end up not valuing yourself enough, and you could sell out your own terms as a human being.

In the case of Daniel, he spent years blaming his business partners for a decision “they” made without him. The decision had negative impact on the company the three of them built from scratch. Without realizing it, that moment took the air out of Daniel’s tires. He lost his zest for the travel the job required, and he wallowed like a victim for years.

After digging in a bit, it became clear to Daniel that his pointing fingers was actually a distraction from taking responsibility for the fact that he had actually participated in the decision. He participated by saying nothing, by not taking a stand. By not speaking his truth he was complicit with the decision, but conveniently decided on a narrative in his own mind, that the decision had been made without him.

“I sold out my integrity by not speaking up” Daniel acknowledged.

What was the root cause of him not speaking up when he really needed to? Going back to the self-sacrifice mindset, he didn’t value himself high enough to put his foot down. He learned from his parents to work hard, and keep his mouth shut.

The consequences were detrimental to the business, and to Daniel. The business lost clients and lots of money. Daniel lost his mojo.

The gift of self-reflection is in your ability to take full responsibility for where you are in your life. Daniel did that as we ended our Life Coaching session.

There are two main themes that emerged in the session with Daniel.

First: Self-sacrifice doesn’t serve anyone, and in the end, you end up being a martyr. Everything we do has to be of value to all parties involved. As discussed in a previous blog, being selfish serves everyone best.

Second: Blaming others and playing the victim card is a sure way to avoid accountability, and to suffer for no reason.

Speaking your truth, standing up for your beliefs is not only healthy for your own state of being, but in the case of Daniel it would have helped his company avoid major losses, and would have not robbed him of his zest for the work he loves.

By the end of the podcast Daniel was excited to forgive himself, and his partners — to stop blaming, and renew his zest for his work.

Forgiveness is about taking responsibility for our feelings, our reaction to how others may have wronged us; forgiveness is removing the blame for our own feelings from others. It is no longer blaming another person for our own reactions; it is about taking responsibility for ourselves and our reactions, it is about recognizing in ourselves the opportunities for improvements.

When you look into a mirror and you see a scar, do you blame the mirror? Do you say, I hate you mirror for causing the scar? All the mirror has done is given you a chance to see what is part of you, the mirror is just the messenger.

Often people who seem to wrong us, push our buttons, challenge us, they are messengers trying to help us recognize where we need to transform our own state of being.

Daniel also realized that he doesn’t need to impress or please his parents anymore. He can be his own man in his own right and live a more fulfilling existence void of self-sacrifice.

Most people pleasers are desperate for validation and appreciation. People-pleasing can have serious risks to your health too. It’s a lot of pressure and stress on you, and you can make yourself sick from doing too much.

Typically, people-pleasers are afraid of being rejected or abandoned, often preoccupied with what others think, fearful of saying no with no boundaries.

They are often stuck in relationships where they do all the giving. They are often overworked, exhausted, overcommitted and burned out trying to take care of everyone, with little to no self-care practices.

If that sounds like you, or someone you know… listen to latest Rant & Grow podcast right here — There might be a lesson or two from Daniel’s example and breakthrough.

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