Every human being on this planet spends considerable time searching for love. Today is the era of speed dating, matchmaking, online dating, and every other modality you can think of.
It’s no longer a question of being able to find love, the issue is more often than not finding someone to hang on to. Sometimes we are not the right person and other times we start blaming “them” or point fingers at “them” for not being able to understand us. That’s when the search continues.
The real challenge is finding the right love and sustaining it. When we are not clear about what we want from life or who we are, we cling onto people around us to give meaning to our lives.
“Expecting others to fulfill us, or to give meaning to the love we desire, leads to weak love.”
According to my recent conversation on the Rant & Grow podcast with Denna Babul, Author of her recent Simon & Schuster book “Love Strong — Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life, and Take Your Power Back!”, it is important to understand that it is not only women who are searching for strong love. Men also want strong love!
“All sentient creatures want to experience strong love.”
Our efforts will be in vain if we do not understand the difference between weak and strong love. For our love to be strong, we must first bring peace and symmetry into our own lives.
We must be confident in giving and receiving love. We must focus on ourselves and understand that sometimes the wrongs around us are reflections of what we have difficulty accepting about ourselves.
“A key step to enabling strong love in our lives is self-awareness, and the application of emotional intelligence in taking full responsibility for our own lives.”
Once we internalize this truth, we will be able to accept who we are and also accept the way others are. When we are giving or receiving weak love, we start to doubt ourselves, we feel misunderstood, and get angry.
Sometimes we even get out-of-control or start to over-control those around us. That is why it is essential to first understand ourselves. That is the only way we can stay happy and encouraged in our relationships.
Signs of Weak Love
If you take a pause and focus on yourself, you will be able to notice when you are giving or receiving weak love. Denna Babul believes that everybody is different in how they perceive themselves in relationships.
There are times when we hear the same advice from many people, even strangers, but we go out searching for advice only when we are not steady in what we want to receive in life and can’t make decisions.
In reality, we are just looking for someone who will tell us what we want to hear. This is a sign of weak love.
When you get to a point in life where you have done everything you can for love and it’s still not enough, then you have to rebuild yourself and focus. You must start to look within. Think about what you have been doing and then start accepting yourself.
Identify Your True Self
We usually look for a small break from a relationship by seeking something fun. However, an emotionally healthy person will know that this is only temporary. You must look for something deeper.
“To understand your true self, you must first focus and find out your core value system.”
Our value system has strong roots in our childhood and how we have perceived our parents. For instance, one who has had authoritative parents, tends to avoid such figures in their adulthood, and often develop disdain for authority figures all together.
It is similar to letting your inner child drive your life. You must accept and overcome these childhood traumas and see that your value system is not dependent on anyone else, not even your parents.
“You are not responsible for what happened to you as a child, but you are responsible for the narrative you allow from it to shape you as an adult.”
Denna calls this the mirror effect — when you let your past impact your relationships in the present. If you keep on living a lie and manifest your version of the truth, you will end up giving and receiving weak love.
Your core values could be trust, love, acceptance, kindness, integrity, and inclusivity. When you figure out your core system, you can begin to understand yourself, what you want from life, and who is worthy of your time and attention.
“People in their jobs work hard to get better and evolve, but often don’t do the same in relationships.”
There are phases in a relationship like attraction, idealization, and commitment. When you are just attracted to someone, you may back off as soon as the real self of the other person comes out.
If you want a long-term relationship, you must understand your core values and try to figure out if the other person acknowledges and respects them. You also need to understand their core value system to align your relationship and reciprocate the same respect.
Once you know what you want and who you are, you can set your narrative. Seek your true self and achieve strong love in your life.
Check out the Rant & Grow podcast episode with Denna. Maybe you’ll discover some wisdom for your own life. You can listen to the podcast right here.